Thursday, January 10, 2013

Music!. ?. !!. Ish. !


Based on several (rather popular) songs I've heard recently, I'm pretty sure I could create successful music using the following process:

1) Write down some seemingly coherent lyrics. Do not edit these lyrics. The original "flavor" is desirable. Typos are ideal.

2)Randomly select several notes, then randomly assign them note lengths, sufficient to fill 2-5 minutes.

3) From a music book (why think when I can use a book?)  randomly select chords based on some of those notes, and then, randomly intersperse them in place of some notes.

4) "Hire" a 3 year old to bang on pots and pants for the desired duration. Insert product as drums.

5) Omit bass entirely. Apparently harmony is overrated.

6) Generate vocal line by randomly select which notes on the melody to sing, while replacing the other notes with more randomly selected notes and chords.

7) Hire Con some overly enthusiastic college music major into singing my nonsensical lyrics according to generated system.

8) ?

9) Profit.

Don't give away my system. This type of methodical analysis takes intense time and effort.

Grapple plaster.

Tuesday, January 1, 2013

Congratulations!


Congratulations.
You have lived another year.
Congratulations.
Congratulations.
You have not been shot, poisoned, or crushed by a train.
Congratulations.
Despite the increasing rate of fatalities due to tragic accidents, you have survived.
May wonders never cease.
Congratulations.
You have not been burned to death in a fire caused by the fuel free falling from a collapsing airplane. Or automobile. The difference is maybe not as important as it seems.
Congratulations.
I cannot say this entire thing has a point.
Life, or this article, take it as you will.
Whatever the case, you wake up in the morning, see the sun or maybe not the sun, because it could be dark when you wake up in the morning, or you could wake up not in the morning, but still see the sun, in which case despite seeing the sun, my statement is incorrect, and either way you wake up.
Congratulations.
Maybe you have nothing to do, or maybe you have everything to do, and maybe you're going to stay at home in your stale pajamas all day long, not eating a single meal, but drinking three cases of beer, and lose 2 pounds in the process, because that is what happens when you do not eat.
Congratulations.
It is a new year, and you made some goals, or maybe you have not made goals, or maybe decided to make goals but have not decided what the goals themselves will be, but the goal was made, and that is more important than having a purpose to the goal.
Congratulations.
You have lived another year.
Congratulations.
It is quite the accomplishment.
Congratulations.
As of reading this, you have access to the Internet, and are still alive. Doing nothing in particular, you have accomplished more than everyone who has ever died before you. For that matter, you have accomplished more than the people who do not have access to Internet, but are still alive, or will ever live, but not have access to the Internet.
Congratulations.
We are all very impressed.
Congratulations.
No really, Congratulations!
Congratulations.
I hope in the coming year, you will accomplish something that you have always wanted to accomplish, but always been held back, probably by someone else, definitely not having anything to do with yourself, and this year, you will find a way to remove that someone else.
Possibly a sniper will help.
Congratulations.
I hear you have been promoted. I hear you have become engaged. I hear you got married. I hear you got divorced.
Congratulations.
To the attractive girl I have always wanted to ask out, I hear you are in a relationship. That is too bad.
I mean, congratulations.
I hear you had a child. I see your child moved out. I hear your child graduated from college. I hear you finish paying off your child's student loans. I hear your child miraculously managed to create a piano masterpiece.
Congratulations.
Whatever the case, you are still alive. Most people seem to have a problem with that the long run. Currently you are beating all of those people. You have plenty of time to perfect, or perpetrate, crimes against humanity, or perhaps something greater.
Congratulations.
I am sure this will be wonderful year. Very different from all the other years before this. You will manage to save more money than you spend. You will impress your coworkers. You will impress your husband/wife, or perhaps the best friend of your wife/husband, or perhaps the spouse of that best friend, whom you always secretly had a crush on but have never really been willing to engage in.
Debauchery ensues.
Congratulations!
I am not sure how to go on after this. Debauchery is usually the end of things in my writing.
Congratulations.
This is the end!
Congratulations.