Saturday, June 23, 2012

Story 1-9


(Disclaimer: I wrote these "stories" in high school, during study hall, when I should have been doing my homework. Meaning, they are not representative of my current writing.
I've edited them so they embarrass me less, but only the grammar and punctuation. They're still embarrassing, but are a little funny. Or something.)


Well now then yet I was like walking in this garden this one time right? And suddenly I came upon this tree, not an ordinary tree mined you, but a tree TREE. -Oh. Oh no. I've heard this one before. You have​? Yeah. So. Just bear with it. For once, this really happened. All my stories really happened. Sure they did.- The tree TREE was crying, so I inquire as to the nature of its sadness. As soon as I said something the tree TREE hopped right up and swallowed me whole. How odd.
As I passed through the ominous hole that IS and or WAS its mouth, I plopped down in its belly and discovered that I was not the only one that the tree TREE had consumed. Neigh there were at least 5 other beings that were in the same predicament as I. Not long after I had learned all of their names, I knocked them unconscious and crawled back up the throat of the tree TREE, but alas my labors were to no avail as the neck was an unholy length. -For real. Unholy. Demonic maybe.-
So I plummeted back into the abyss below me.
I turned tail and tucked into a full swan dive, through which process, I proceeded to imbed myself in the bottom of the stomach. As soon as I pried my face free from the ground, I discovered that I was no longer in the tree TREE at all. Far from it indeed. For I once again found myself in a funnel falling at a speed similar to that of a blender being shot out of a canon.
As I proceeded to observe my predicament, I perceived a floor rapidly approaching my position.
So I simply slowed my self down by waving my arms, like a bird mind you. I gently landed on a cake-like floor.
This cake-type flooring did not taste at all like cake, on the contrary it tasted more like pie. I then kicked that no good floor and went on.
Then, this giant, yellow, butterfly/dragon fly crossbreed came zipping, fluttering, and zigging up to me. I took one look at it and then threw some boiling stew that happened to be cooking on a large nearby rock. As soon as I was finished thoroughly thrashing it’s wits out, it flew away in an even more drunken manner than with which it flew away yonder at an alarming speed. -Yeah it did.-
Well then I looked around a bit, ate some of that stew and I jumped up and down about 3000 times in one place (for convenience.) When I completed my jumping sequence and I fell to the floor, unconscious. Later, after waking, I stood up and walked around for a while. I came to a point where I had nothing to do, so I took my finger nail cutter, threw it at the wall.
Upon impact, it exploded, revealing a large opening to the outer world. So I walked outside and looked at the tree TREE, which was standing nearby. As it had tried to kill me , and did in fact succeed in eating me, I held no grudge. Instead I simply cut it down and used it for a large amount of fire wood.
At about this point imagine Something Other Than George or Bob sticking his head through the ground and saying “See? What did I tell you? Peril, Eh?“

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