Thursday, March 22, 2012

Story 1-4

(Disclaimer: I wrote these "stories" in high school, during study hall, when I should have been doing my homework. Meaning, they are not representative of my current writing.

I've edited them so they embarrass me less, but only the grammar and punctuation. They're still embarrassing, but are a little funny. Or something.)

In my previous stories I have related numerous adventures, many of which may have been either true or occasionally humorous, but often neither and only occasionally one or the other. If any of you feel those stories were inappropriate or dumb in any way then I suggest that you not read this story. I hope it will follow a similar format and at least one time should, hopefully, be either true or funny.
As I got up from a wonderful, and might I add quite resting, night of half-sleep-like-daze I went out to eat my whole wheat O’s with de-fatted cow milk. As I ate this mixture with my UTENSITRON I happily viewed the electron charged color viewing box, or TV as I have heard it called by the locals.
While I was enjoying my morning “Break-FAST,” some jerk rang the doorbell. So I called my doorman –Jimmy? Bob? Joe? Odd, I don’t rightly remember his name. Maybe it was Kellswith? I'll call him Kellswith.– You see as I got up I smashed my head into my door frame and toppled over onto the ground and righted about in pain until the massive pain and sudden convulsions subsided.
-I don’t know about you; Well I do, he or she or it is dumb and ugly and stupid and smells bad and is ugly and smells REALLY bad. How dare you talk about the reader like that? I mean I can’t believe you just did that. I never– after which he, that is, Kellswith went out to answer the door. The person at the door was currently was named Ben, or maybe Bendo.
Well this “BEN“ ran into my home, because apperntly that's what he does. Where upon he attacked a monstrosity of a pink puffy hamster rabbit cross breed, who, as it happened, was just about to engage in a game of chess with my stuffed moose. The chocolate moose as a matter of fact.
So I threw a small stuffed toy at Ben, who was infuriated by this further assault, and began to mutter at random about meaningless things, which involved something about it being time to get up. Thus I sat down in my theater chair, which I keep in my main chamber of my house for events such as this.
After sitting down, I grabbed a large bad of popcorn and continued sitting to watch the upcoming combat.  After the fight, the victor would duel me in a game of checkers. Well that crazy Ben kid came running at the fuzzy bunny, who turned around and picked Ben up effortlessly. Ben responded by pinching the Bunny’s ear, before running out the door in a mad fit.
This suited me very well because my stuffed moose is very good at Parcheesi (which I often confuse with yahtzee,) whereas that Ben kid, well Ben aint so good any card game. The bunny creature however, is quite excellent at all games that require massive mathematical computations and strategic coordination. –excuse me I've seen you say that this is a game of chess, checkers, Parcheesi, sorry!, and pente, along with some odd game that requires the superior intellect of a massive pink bunny creature with unlimited strength. Which game is it really? What people are these you're talking about? Bunny guy? Moose? I don't know what you mean? What? Have you been reading what you've been writing? No, only fools do that. – Needless to say, I ran out of popcorn long before they started, so I lobbed, not hurled or threw mind you, my chair at the two of them and stormed out of the room.
Soon after, I heard laser fire from the danger room, so I quickly ran down there only to find wolverine and gambit about to be killed – I'm pretty sure that's a scene from x-men actually. Whatever.- Anyhow, they're about to be killed when – Hey wait, he, err, I'm right. Oh well, I have no idea what I was talking about. So from now on I am going to ramble randomly on a new topic of my choosing. How is that different from before? Quiet you. –
So then I started to repel down the castle wall to the ground, because my moat had dried out. I hopped down onto my umbrella pogo stick, which quickly snapped under the massive impact of the falling asteroids. Quite soon after I landed on the ground and was sucked up (or down if you prefer,) by the muddy muck below.
As soon as this happened I sprinted off, having noticed a large group of boys dressed in neat-o animal costumes that really piqued my interests in the movie Peter Pan. Well this was just too much for me and at that point I attacked them and threw them all off a nearby cliff, but not before stealing all of their costumes (they were fully dressed underneath, worry you not,) clubs and other neat-o stuff. (It was a small cliff, they were fine.)
The weapons I threw at Peter Pan, who may have attacked me, so I attacked him back. Not long after I dug a small hole in the ground and made a neat home there, my second ground based home for the week. At this point imagine Something Other Than George or Bob sticking his head through the ground and saying “See? What did I tell you? Peril Eh?"

Monday, March 12, 2012

The Association!?

High school.  1998-2002.  The internet was becoming a big deal.  Search engines like Lycos, Excite, Yahoo, and Hotbot were competing to find a reason for their existence.  MLA (and english teachers everywhere) struggled on how to cite a document found through the internet.

And I, having free time and access to the internet, decided I should learn to make websites instead of doing my homework.  Lots of free website places existed, but Angelfire offered a whopping 50 megabytes of storage space.

That was a lot in the late 90s.

Websites were made of unimpressive text, which didn't take much space, and crappy images of jumping monkeys, which, while they took more space, were also unimpressive.

As linked above (or findable, to the intrepid internet-eers,) I chose angelfire and after several revisions, made this website.

I disabled some of the links when I realized that site still existed.  Some never worked, or run in odd circles.

I was pretty young, so pretend a mentally deranged sea turtle wrote the code and I think you'll gain the appreciation I had for it.

Years later, I worked for a small company making websites.  I got the job based on that previous experience with jumping monkeys and confusing link-circles.

We worked with a single company that had many smaller contractors.  My boss sold sites to these contractors and I did the setup, personalizing any information, fonts, colors, images, etc.  Half the time I fell asleep because I had stayed up too late playing some MMO the night before.

I never wanted to go into web development, so the only sites I continued working on was my mother's and my own (the later is being rapidly replaced and reworked to exist on this blog.)

So, suffice to say, I get a lot of questions about websites.  I'll get into that later.

Wise Sayings

Neither wise, nor sayings (at least, not many people have ever said these things,) they are nevertheless, things that are written. Here. And elsewhere, a few times.

I wrote about 40 pages of these in high school. They weren't funny then, and now they're only funny to me because I'm imagining the looks on people's faces if I said these things to them.

My Wise Sayings:
1. Wise is the man who sleeps with his shoes on when it snows.
2) He who sleep, with the sheep, dies with the cows.
3) A frog with four eyes has twice as much blinking to do.
5) He who sleeps in his bed, dies in his coffin.
6) A wise man once said, "I would like some chocolate please."
7) If you remove your ears, how will you hear the butcher calling?
8) Only a fool puts a burning stick in their underpants.
9) Cows who step in their dung wear it all day long.
10) If you fall asleep on the latrine, you may awake in a mess.