(Disclaimer: I wrote these "stories" in high school, during study hall, when I should have been doing my homework. Meaning, they are not representative of my current writing.
I've edited them so they embarrass me less, but only the grammar and punctuation. They're still embarrassing, but are a little funny. Or something.)
(Edit: 2-18-12: This post contained some serious formatting and display errors which I could not consistently recreate. I think I fixed it, but if anyone sees lots of empty lines or odd bars of color, let me know.)
Note: For this story, I have managed to get, umm, myself, to agree not to interrupt the text with meaningless comments. For once we'll have a sensible story that anyone can understand. You're welcome. – Oh, this is sure to be an absolute mess. –
After many long adventures, I decided to take a long break at my indoor pool. Oddly, I have always kept my pool full of cornstarch and water, which is a rather strange mixture at the best of times. (Go ahead, mix some together and see what happens.) After only a few minutes of what I loosely call swimming, but was more like slowly sinking into muck, I got stuck in it very fast and fast stuck was I.
Being stuck, I was unable to get free for quite some time and I thought to myself, hmm, maybe if I shook myself a ton I might be able to shake free by some work of greatness that I cannot comprehend. So I started to shake my arms, legs and upper torso really hard, but alas it was to no avail. All I managed to do was make a small hole in the bottom of my pool, out of which the entire mix went eventually. (Where it went I have never discovered.)
After this furious shaking and the agonizing wait for all the goo to sink out of the pool, I was quite rested and ready to go adventure again. And somewhere is exactly where I went. As soon as I got out of the pool I realized that my hat was missing! Then I hurried to the Rino Cave, pushed the secret switch, and ran in. I ducked under the blade-deal-thing, (like that one in the movie, where they copied the trap I use to protect my cave. The one where that guy loses his head) and grabbed my gear. I decided to take my highly advanced, very gadget-posessing, Rino Mobile ©®™ and I drove away super fast. I had no choice but to drive this speed, because the Rino Mobile ©®™ goes SUPER FAST and only super fast!
I parked to get gas and popped the trunk to check the storage locker there (always best to check.) After which I opened the locker and crawled in, when suddenly I found myself in a large ventilation chamber, which spanned the entire inside of a hollowed out mountain. Somehow. I then began to crawl. Eventually I came to the end of this long pipe-like tubule, but boy did it take a long time.
As I came to the end of this long tunnel I hopped out and began to fall. After a few minutes, I noticed that I was several miles in the air. When my downward motion became apparent I began to contemplate how I should save myself. Should I turn some item of mine into a life saving device? A parachute coat? Shock absorbing shoes? Or perhaps shins? I had always wanted shock absorbing shins. How would I go about saving my life? Well as I was falling I decided that the telescopic neck on my UTENSITRON was my best option.
I activated the rapid deployment function on the telescopic neck, which extended it up with great speed. The highly durable fork/spoon face attached to some point on the mountain, allowing me to swing toward the mountain. I repelled most of the way down, but after a while, could go no further. The neck had telescoped to its maximum range at just over a mile and a half. A nearby ledge allowed me to retract the neck before going on. I activated the catapult option and launched myself into a nearby bay and swam to shore, thankfully, right next to where I had parked to fill up my tank. The gas station was nowhere to be seen.
I got back into my car and drove around in a random manner, not different to the townie practice of cruising. As I was cruising, I decided to do stuff – not things? What about things? Couldn’t I do things? Well things would work. Either or, take your pick.– I found myself doing stuff and THINGS are happening to me while I am doing this stuff and it’s pretty cool. Thus I was cruising around when I came upon another Giant Field Mouse, one of those HUGE ones, and I knew how to take care of him.
I pushed a button on my Rino Mobile ©®™ and it transformed into a large fighting mechanical robot. Very gadget posessing, that Rino Mobile. I started to bash that field mouse good. In doing so I bashed that field mouse on the nose with the little finger of my robot, which has fingers, because it works like that. Well this little stunt scared that mouse off in a jiffy and so I decided to hop around on just one foot for a while, until I got really tired and fell down, apparently still in the fighting robot machine, into a dreamy, hazy, dream-like, haze-like sleep-like dream-haze.
So I’m dreaming and I'm dreaming and all that what not, when I see this weird Hippo-looking critter with pink horns and 4 arms. Well this pink horned creature came running up to me and began kicking me in the shins a whole lot. My shins were, even in a dream, sadly lacking in their shock absorbing power. Still, since I was dreaming, this didn’t hurt much, but I thought that I was hurt and I didn’t like that at all. So I kicked the thing back in the shins. Alas I was a fighting robot even in my dreams. I kicked it very hard, where upon it flew into a building.
I hurried over to it, made sure that it wasn't badly hurt, and then kicked it again so that it went flying away into yonder field. When it landed there was a massive poof of stuff that floated up and it made a neat clump of floaty gunk. So I looked around, and seeing no one I decided to hop skip and jump around for a while before investigating further. Eventually I slammed face first into a wall of solid gelatin, but alas this was not the normal gelatin that common people eat, nay it was mystical white gelatin! Knowing all about Mystical White Gelatin as I do I knew that it does neat things and splits at random, possibly eating things if it thinks no one is looking.
So when it saw that large pink hippo sitting over in that field BOY HOWDY, did it go a jiggling all over until it came to that hippo. At about that point I woke up, deactivated my robot, and packed my Rino Mobile into my suitcase. (It works on a principle similar to that of the Jetson’s car.) So I took this suitcase and ran around town madly flailing a large flaming stick, and waving my arms, while riding on a little scooter and carrying my suitcase. Then suddenly I realized that my zany super water gun was out of water! Well I filled and pumped that sucker up and started spraying stuff all over the place. Neat-o I say, yes Neat-o indeed.
I yawned, realized I had adventured enough for the day, and wanted to go home. So off I went. Merry Rino skipping to safety. Skip Rino skip, lets go off to home!
OH NO! A hole opened right in front of me as I was skipping, so I get eaten right? Well what else is new? I decided that home or a hole in the ground, it’s all the same; just a place to live right?
At this point Something Other Than George or Bob stuck his head through the ground and said “See? What did I tell you? Peril Eh?"