Saturday, February 18, 2012

Story 1-2

(Disclaimer: I wrote these "stories" in high school, during study hall, when I should have been doing my homework. Meaning, they are not representative of my current writing.
I've edited them so they embarrass me less, but only the grammar and punctuation. They're still embarrassing, but are a little funny. Or something.)

Ok then, so, one bright sunny Monday (or maybe Tuesday if you like, see some people don’t like Monday at all, so it could be Tuesday, but I’m saying it’s Monday OK? Good!) I decided to go on a bike ride over to my buddy's house, my buddy being the one called Freddie the Sloth, otherwise known as Something Other Then George or Bob, or on infrequent occasion, Not George or Bob, which is horribly confusing, as there is another gnome named Not George or Bob whom I also know.

On my ride to Not George or Bob’s house I noticed that a large flock of ducks –Well no I think that they were grouse, my good man. Geese you say? No G-R-O-U-S-E. Oh, grouse you say? Oh! Right, ducks. Yes. Ducks. Right.– So this large flock of swans flies over head and one falls dead right in front of me. That is, I, the teller of this tale, or narrator.

Anyway as I was biking this swan flops dead right in front of me, but that’s not the weird part, for you see there was a little copper knife, maybe about oh yea (imagine me holding me arms about 4 feet apart) long and about 7 inches wide. So I take the “knife” and put it in the scabbard that I found sitting in the grass nearby, coincidentally it fit the “knife” perfectly. So I did a short rain dance and got back on my bike to continue on my merry way, because I knew the old saying. “When one finds a small copper knife and a perfectly fitting scabbard near by one does a dance and gets back on one's bike and rides off.” Such a thing is only proper. Not long after I noticed that it was raining quite hard. (A not surprising result of a rain dance in some countries) So I takes out my umbrella and opens it and rides around in many small circles there in the rain with my umbrella and my “4 foot long sheathed copper knife.”

So now I rode all over and I noticed that this rain wasn’t normal rain at all, it was the evil PUFFY RAIN. Maybe they don't have puffy rain at your home, so let me explain. The diabolical stuff turns whatever it touches into a lime green colored gooey mess within a matter of minutes and thoroughly baffles both students of fluid dynamics (how can rain be puffy?) as well as those of weather systems. Imagine this scene, me riding around on my bike in circles, umbrella over head, knife over back, two arms, two legs, and quite the gangle-flop of hair atop a weighted ball of brain and organs, but now everything around me was a lime green mess. Fortunately gelatin, from which my umbrella was made (I've mentioned this in the past, I'm sure,) absorbs all sorts of evil rain so I went on unscathed.

So I rode along in the puffy rain when my tire went flat. When the tire went flat I tried to ride only rims (it seemed like a good idea at the time) for a while, before they fell right off, and right before I smacked face first into the ground, one of those mysterious holes in the ground opened and ate me whole. As I was falling I closed my umbrella, because, and I'm sure this is no surprise to you, it was not raining underground, at least not at the place where I was at for the time being. So I grabbed a nearby floating sandwich and ate it whole. That’s the way that I eat sandwiches. I could have cut it with my UTENSITRON 3000 2.0+ Special Edition! The UTENSITRON is the superior utensil of the future, which includes an ergonomic gel handle, retractable knife razor, warmer for the spork front, and a catapult option to minimize shoulder stress when using it. So of course I gleefully would have used that to quite handily slice the sandwich in half if I did not just eat my sandwiches whole. Which I do. So I did a little dance (neither the first nor the last dance of the day,) as I fell, and continued my fall until I landed in a pile of very sharp diamonds.

Some odd things happened just then. First this large purple monster came by, laughed something about long distance relationships being evil, and ran off. Then I realized that diamonds can be sharp and that I had not been cut by any of the ones that I fell into. More impressively, these diamonds were the sharpest diamonds that ever existed. True fact. Not only that, but these diamonds were all shaped like giant pears, you know the fruit?, well I grabbed a handfull of these and put them in a nearby bag that was labeled “Rino, put the Pear Shaped Diamonds in here!” I don’t know about you, but I know obvious signs when I see them and I knew this was a sign – A road sign? No, not a road sign! Oh. Well excuse me, mister smelly rotten potato pants.– So I took these diamond things, (I call them “things” because they are not “its,” (plural it things, not its as in posessive. Whew. A narrow escape.)) and I put them in the sack.

I scurried on my way down this tunnel that led away from the place where I had landed, until I came upon a large jar of marmalade. I didn’t know what marmalade was, but I didn’t trust it so I bashed that jar good and went on my merry way.

Minutes later, I came upon a scene reminiscent of “Alice in wonderland“ and I began to discuss this out loud.

So I says to myself, “Well self,” I says.

And then, “Yes?” I says.

“What should I do now?” I says.

If you didn't know (and I'm sure you did, but I'll say it anyway,) let me be the first to tell you that I’m sort of an airhead sometimes and I sure as heck didn’t know what to do. So I grabbed the key right off that glass table, figuring it had caused enough trouble already, took all those messed up muffins, cookies, strange size changing drinks and stuffed them in my coat pocket. Then I took those mushrooms out of her pockets.
“Hey,” I said to her. “Come with me, you don’t want to go into that door anyway. Trust me, I know the story there’s only a bunch of strange cats and drunken old ladies.” Well she didn’t believe me so I took her and tossed, not lobed mind you, her into that large jar of marmalade that I had found a ways back.
Alice screamed and screamed, but I says to myself “Self,” I says. “Don’t listen to her. That old girl, she loves marmalade anyway.” Not that I knew what marmalade was.

Having resolved the major plot crises in the book, I scampered right along. I was walking along again and I came to that crazy caterpillar doing whatever he does with that pipe thing of his that he calls a “hooka” whatever that is, so I booted him off his crazy mushroom and bashed him good. I even thought about throwing him into the jar of marmalade too, when –You maniac! That didn't happen. The part about the caterpillar, you know you just made that up. Oh yeah I guess that I did. That’s what I would have done if I had been in “Alice in wonderland.” Ooooookay. Right.–

So I’m walking along after bashing Alice and that jar good, and I come to this cave. Well I went inside and I found myself inside the mystical white pool of gelatin's chamber (the mystical white pool of gelatin has always looked suspiciously like corn starch and water to me, leading to some of my earlier confusion,) and there I found Something Other Than George or Bob taking a swim.

We ate a small lunch and I told him of that crazy marmalade gag and he just looked at me like I was come sort of crazy weirdo. (As you can tell Something Other than George or Bob knows me pretty well.) Eventually we got around to talking about the diamond things and he offered to buy them from me, or maybe trade because he didn’t have any money. He did have quite a collection of odds and ends, which included, but was not limited to a fancy remote control golf ball, a pair of boots that danced, and I mean dancing boots by that. As in boots that one puts on and then they look like they make you dance, but really it is you doing the dancing, another umbrella, a toaster, a fine button collection, a defective transmogrifier ray, and THE LARGEST WATER GUN THAT EVER EXISTED! Well those dancing boots were pretty tempting, but I decided to go with the world’s largest water pistol instead. To this day, I regret the choice. Boots that make it look like you're dancing when you actually are dancing are a rare find.

At this point imagine Something Other than George or Bob sticking his head through the ground and saying “See? What did I tell you? Peril, Eh?”

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