Saturday, February 18, 2012

Story 1-1

(Disclaimer: I wrote these "stories" in high school, during study hall, when I should have been doing my homework. Meaning, they are not representative of my current writing.
I've edited them so they embarrass me less, but only the grammar and punctuation. They're still embarrassing, but are a little funny. Or something.)

So one day I was walking down a street –No a path– yes a path. Anyway I was walking down this street –Path– right a path. So I was walking on this path and I came to this little Gremlin friend of mine whose name happens to be Something Other than George or Bob. Something Other than George or Bob, whom I call Freddie the Sloth, jumped into the air raising his feet several yards off the ground, nearly removing the skin from the front of my nose, which I happen to want to stay where it is, and he yelled, while madly flailing his arms about,

“Rino as you walk down this street” –ok, let me do thisTHIS IS THE LAST TIME I’M GONNA     TELL YA IT’S A STREET, NOT A PATH, I MEAN A PATH. Oh it is a path isn’t it. Ok, on with it then– “you will find great peril and you will be crushed beneath it’s feet.”

Well at this point I says, “Great peril??!! PERIL, you say? Are you sure??!!”

“Why YES!!” was his frantic response.

Well I wasn’t sure what Not Bob or George meant by this, so I pondered it a while and I asked Not George or Bob if he had anything to drink and in response he handed me a small flask of a murky brown slightly frozen material which he called “FroZen I¿cEº tÑEAñ” –Hey you, err, me, err, look, stop messing with my typing– as I had no idea what this was I drank it really fast and let me tell you it was really bad. (Imagine a new font color now maybe red. Something you find exciting.)

So I got up and looked around and noticed that the mystical forest had mysteriously disappeared. As I went back to sit down on a nearby rock, a giant Mouse, and I mean huge, scampered up and sat down next to me. Well let me tell ya I sure wasn’t about to find out what he wanted so I lobbed, not threw mind you, a small stick his way. As I ran away I heard him whimpering, but I knew that “when one meets a giant, and I mean huge, field mouse, one lobs a small object at it and runs away.” So thus was done henceforth. Forthwith. Heretofore. Scalawag.
Me, that is I, the writer, and subject of the writer's story, walked a little further and noticed that my hat, shirt, sleeves, shoes, socks, and belt had disappeared. This steamed my stack, which was nice, because my stack was badly wrinkled, so I walked back to that mouse and said –Excuse me I believe that I said it not you okay? Yes fine then– So I said “Hey mouse boy I want my stuff back right now.”

In response he blinked a couple of times and swallowed me whole. Well I took my socks, which     were conveniently located on my feet, despite apparently having lost them, and wrapped them around my head, even though it was pitch black, as I was in the giant field mouse’s stomach and there were no torches there. I karate chopped this huge mouse in the spleen, carefully avoiding the pancreas as I did so (they're awfully prone to fits and I had no time for that,) and he immediately began to pummel himself in the stomach (to hit me you see,) and in time I managed to make him disappear. Entirely. With no questions asked. And I was apparently outside of the mouse when it happened.

I then picked up my stuff put it back on and a neato gelatin umbrella that I found sitting nearby. (It was labeled with the jello brand name mind you, they don't make umbrellas out of jello anymore, so they're awfully rare and one doesn't leave them sitting in fields.) I opened the umbrella and floated up to the fluffy land of neato marshmallow pillows. I walked right to the neato marshmallow pillow land governor’s house –No, cabin. House. Cabin. House. Cabin. House! Cabin!!– Err...right. Cabin then. So I walked to the governor’s house and climbed down his chimney. This was sort of hard because the umbrella kept getting stuck in it. When I got to the bottom of this place and stepped out into the fireplace I noticed that I was once again in the neato gelatin forest. Only this time I had the neato gelatin umbrella too, which is worth bonus points in that particular zone. So I attached a chain to the kitchen sink and dragged it across the forest so as that I might be delivering it to its owner. From whom, might I add, I received a UTENSITRON 3000 2.0+ Special Edition! (Yes, not the latest edition, but I'd been using a spork up to that point. It's certainly no limited, special, gold, platinum, silver, ultimate, collector's edition, but one makes do with whatever portable catapult one might find lying around the forest.)

Well I now returned to the forest to make a building of some sort on the spot where I had left a pair of my socks. I put these socks on over my shoes, because everyone who owns a UTENSITRON, the superior tool of the future, wears them so, and built a neat house thing with it. With the UTENSITRON that is. Not that I used the UTENSITRON, but I built it with the UTENSITRON, like, we built it together. As friends. Equals perhaps.

I obviously completed the castle in a matter of hours. (Yes the UTENSITRON is that kind of tool.) So then I clicked my heels together and ran away again, when suddenly the ground opened below me and swallowed me whole. I opened up the umbrella and tied my overcoat into a parachute fashion with my socks and my belt. This slowed my fall enough that I could activate the catapult option in my UTENSITRON that is attached to the telescopic neck hinge part and launched myself back to the top of the hole. When I got to the top of the hole I found it closed off.

At this point imagine something other than George or Bob sticking his head through the ground and saying “See? What did I tell you? Peril Eh?”

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